Being a celebrity kid is a mixed bag. You get to wear kitten heels and lipstick when you're still in kindergarten, but annoying guys with cameras follow you around and try to catch you doing something embarrassing. The weirdest part of being a famous child could be that random people create fake Twitter accounts pretending they're you.
From Suri Cruise and her Burn Book to one-tweet wonder Maddox Jolie-Pitt, here are some of the most popular celebrity tots with fake Twitter feeds.
Suri Cruise's Burn Book Trashes Tom and Katie, Tinseltown
The sulky Starbucks-sipping child of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes comes off as a snob in her fake Twitter feed. Her teaser tweets link to expanded Tumblr posts, in which the pint-sized fashion plate goes after everyone from her pathetic parental units to the clueless Kardashians. Fake Suri recently slammed Denise Richards for dressing up her children in uncoordinated prints, and lamented that guys like "America's favorite man" Jon Hamm choose not to procreate while the "B-listers and below continue to procreate in multiples."
The pretend Suri also compares herself to other celebrity children, fretting that Honor Warren (daughter of Jessica Alba and Cash Warren) is not only fashion competition, but also fearless for petting a boa constrictor. "The closest I've ever come to a reptile was that one time I hung out with the Tori Spelling family," the fake Suri snarked. Clearly not in her league, Madonna's two youngest children are cyber-spanked for wearing white after Labor Day.
The fictional five-year-old is most mortified by her parents, however, whom she regards as her inferiors. "Yesterday was admittedly not the Holmes-Cruises' finest," she tweeted last week. "Katie wore rolled-up overalls with suede booties, and it wasn't even laundry day." Two days later she posted a video of her dad dancing like a dork and groaned, "This is the most embarrassing thing Tom's done since, like, Tuesday. Do you understand now why I'm researching the states with the loosest emancipated minor policies?"
Moses Paltrow Mocks Mom Gwyneth's Parenting Style
The fake Moses Paltrow on Twitter describes himself as "the son of Gwyneth Paltrow and that dude who sings for Coldplay (that's what my mom calls him)." Like Suri, his celebrity age-mate across the pond, the lad (whose real name is Moses Bruce Anthony Martin) is depicted as a droll Dorothy Parker of the playground set. The fake Moses alleges to have played mischief with his mom's tummy-exposing Emmy dress: "(It) was all one piece before I got to it with the safety scissors #should'veTakenMeToLionKing3D."
The little brother of Apple also makes fun of his family's organic diet and mama Gwyneth's self-proclaimed spirituality. "This morning my mom was like finish your kale smoothie & I was like why don't you go on another silent retreat? #notreallybutIwishIsaidthat," he fake Tweeted.
Beyonce and Jay-Z's Fetus Tweets from Inside the Womb
Taking the fake celebrity children Twitter trend to its ultimate absurdity, @BeyonceJayFetus is the cyber soapbox for the yet-to-be-born baby of singers Beyonce and Jay-Z. He/she introduced him/herself in August with the admission, "Yep, it's true. I'm in the orange poncho" and has waxed on about life in the womb ever since.
Last month, he/she likened him/herself to a celebrity waiting in the wings. "My version of 'carpe diem' will be when my water breaks. Until that happens, I'll be in my green room." The fetus's tweets are less snarky and more political than those of Suri Cruise and Moses Martin. The self-dubbed "Destiny's grandchild" favors gay rights and recently condemned Southwest Airlines for ejecting Leisha Hailey and her girlfriend from one of its planes.
Maddox Jolie-Pitt Posts Cheesy, Puzzling Tweet
The least prolific fake celebrity-child tweeter is Maddox Jolie-Pitt. The nine-year-old Cambodian born son of Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt has only one tweet on his minimalist Twitter feed, the profound yet enigmatic message: "Eating a grilled cheese and thinking about life."
Maybe pretend Maddox is tuned into one of life's great secrets: sometimes less is more.
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