'The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills' Miss the Boat

Dinner parties and vacations, folks. Those are the two events that should never, ever occur in the world of any Real Housewife. Why? Because they both inevitably lead to some sort of disaster. Usually of the teary and/or raging mad kind. Or both.

Last night's trip to Hawaii brought on the former, as Kyle Richards continued to stress herself out over her sister, Kim Richards' erratic behavior. The cherry on that sundae was "gay bullmastiff," Kim's boyfriend, Ken, whose creepy quotient skidded off the charts.

It's week two in Hawaii and The Bickersons aka Adrienne Maloof and hubby Paul Nassif acted like they liked each other for about two minutes as they went on a romantic hike. They held hands! They kissed! Of course, Adrienne got grossed out and hoped a rattlesnake would slither out from beneath a rock and ruin the moment.

Meanwhile, Kim and Ken finally touched down on the island, and wouldn't you know, their room was right next to Kyle and Mauricio. Kyle can't help herself; she presses her ear to the wall to see what she can hear. She's also irritated that Kim doesn't come over to say hello and let them know she made it. Kyle fills Lisa Vanderpump in on the room arrangements, and Lisa's main concern is whether or not Kyle can hear them "humping." What is this, 1971? Her husband, Ken, looked like he was trying to get humped, as he fluffed the chest hair breaking free from his practically-open-to-his-belly-button shirt and gave his gray mane a little extra shake. Lisa may be breaking her twice a year rule.

Lisa's finding she's breaking all kinds of rules, namely her determination to freeze out Brandi Glanville. Gosh darn if that saucy Brit just doesn't find herself being tickled by the equally saucy California girl. That other Ken shows up for dinner wearing a shirt that gives even the most heinous Hawaiian shirt a bad name. His attire wasn't the only thing that offended - his nasty attitude, buoyed by Kim's evasiveness didn't help. Kim and Ken don't offer up an explanation for their airport hijinks, so Mauricio tries to get to the bottom of it.

The "K's" concoct some silly story about Ken having to work, but since they've already told everyone he's retired, now everybody's really confused. Kim thinks she's making things easy by not talking about her lost/expired license/passport/missing keys and whatever. Camille notices Ken's leg and arm are shaking under the table as he tries to keep up the charade and the normally easygoing Mauricio gets a little feisty as he tries to crack the fragile façade that is their ridiculous story. Mauricio gets philosophical as he digs for "the truth" urging everyone to just tell "the truth." Kyle goes for the jugular, demanding Kim just spill her gets and Mauricio wants Kim to just 'fess up already. A smug Brandi just slurps her cocktail, vindicated that Kim that everyone is seeing the same wacakdoo picture she saw of Kim on Game Night.

Everyone finally gets off the Kim/Ken horse and news of Taylor Armstrong's disintegrating marriage becomes the new topic du jour. Nobody's buying that the Armstrongs are kaput, because they've heard the little Taylor who cried wolf sing this song before. Paul predicts they'll be back together in a week and Kim finds the whole thing hysterical.

The next morning, our Brady Bunch is bright-eyed, bushy-tailed and ready for an afternoon on the catamaran Kyle rented. Except the K's are burrowed under a morass of do not disturb signs and alarms that do not go ding in the morning. Kyle and Lisa bang on the door and when that doesn't work, scale the balcony. Sadly, Lisa's donkey booty doesn't quite make the trip. When the K's finally open the door, it's like Keystone Cops. The alarm didn't go off, but then they didn't hear the wake-up call, but oh, wait the phone didn't work. But Kim is a Virgo, you see. She's always "prompt." I wish Bravo had rolled some tape on that one. Kim and Ken decide they can't get it together, so the gang leaves. Ah, but they change their mind and race to the pier, but the boat has sailed.

While the Housewives and their mates frolic, Kim and Ken nosh on shrimp and their own convoluted brand of philosophy. It was a good thing they got left behind. Ken got poked in the eye, Kim's stressed and just needs to relax. "Everything happens for a reason," Kim mused like a broken record. Ken determines he's not letting anybody boss his woman around except for him and he will mow down anyone who gets in her face from here on out.

Back in the Hill of Beverly, a lonely Taylor visits Dana Wilkey at some house that doesn't appear to be the scene of the Game Night massacre. Taylor's sad because "the majority of [her] friends are in Hawaii." Huh. If the "majority" of Taylor's friends are from a reality show, there may not be enough therapy in the world to fix that one. It was distracting to see Taylor's feathery bangs styled over one eye, and next week's previews showed us it's to cover a bruise. Oy vey. Dana wants a definitive answer about Taylor's marital status, who swears she's left Russell Armstrong for good this time.

It's dinner time in Hawaii and Brandi wears a blouse that masquerading as a dress, while Lisa listens incredulous as Kim shares her new "everything happens for a reason" mantra. Adrienne and Paul ask Kim how things are going with Ken and say he seems nice. The shifty and paranoid Ken doesn't like anybody talking to his woman but him and flies over to confront Paul and Adrienne about talking smack about him. Which they weren't. The pair don't back down, letting him know they were actually saying nice things about him, so pipe down. And his creepy quotient just went into the stratosphere.

Mauricio and Kyle have had enough of Kim's nonsense and command her once again to come clean about why they missed the flight. Oh, and apologize for keeping everyone waiting that morning. Kyle's sick of Kim glossing over everything and Brandi can barely contain her glee over Kyle sticking it to her loony sister. Ken tells Kyle they don't care that they kept everyone waiting or that they want the truth about the missed flights. Mercifully, the "K's" depart and Lisa tries to get Kyle to see she can't change Kim. What's worse, now she's got backup. "You can't win," Lisa advises. Indeed.

Who else agrees with Brandi that Adrienne and Paul really DO get it on like Donkey Kong?

Next time, Cedric's back, Taylor's covering up and Kyle's sick of apologizing.

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