In what is not likely to be on the required reading list of any college course besides "The Fall of Western Civilization," a new novel allegedly penned by the Kardashian sisters is set to hit bookstores this week. The page turner, poetically titled "Dollhouse" (they're "dolls" and Beverly Hills is their "house," get it?), is expected to do for Kourtney, Khloe and Kim Kardashian what "A Shore Thing" did for "Jersey Shore's" Snooki -- namely, frustrate real fiction writers whose painstakingly written novels languish in slush piles.
Excerpted passages of "Dollhouse" floating around the Internet contain such pulsating prose as, "The waitress returned, practically brushing her massive, jiggly boobs against Chase's face" and "Kamille sat up. The guy worked fast!" (In case you were wondering, the novel's three sisters are koincidentally named Kassidy, Kamille and Kyle.)
Despite their feeble attempts at fiction, the notorious examples of the tanned guidette and her Armenian reality TV sisters getting their novels published is sure to inspire other celebrities to get behind the keyboard between trips to the spa and dinner at Spago. Here are some celebrity-penned sagas we hope to see:
Angelina Jolie's "Around the World in 80 Months"
A pouty-lipped woman with a penchant for doing such weird things as wearing a vial of her husband's blood around her neck commits a grievous sin for which she must atone by traveling around the world in perpetuity doing good deeds and adopting disadvantaged children. Though she can never completely shed her dark past, she manages to console herself by getting photographed wherever she goes wearing a weight-of-the-world-on-my-shoulders expression on her face.
Gwyneth Paltrow's "The World According to Gwarp"
An alien princess is sent on a special mission to earth and raised by a celebrity couple who are unaware the child has superpowers and can excel in any artistic medium. She becomes a famous celebrity and gives birth to two mortal children -- a daughter whom she names after a fruit and a son after a Biblical character -- per her home planet's strict naming convention. Despite her perfect life on earth, the alienette yearns to return to her native galaxy and attempts to find her way back by ingesting unpalatable meals cooked in her personal outdoor pizza oven and drinking magical potions like Mango and Coconut Milk Smoothies.
Katie Holmes' "The Bride of Frankenscience":
A normal Midwestern girl moves to Hollywood and marries an A-list actor whose thoughts are shaped by his strong quasi-religious beliefs. As her husband slowly sucks every ounce of personality out of her, she travels the country aimlessly, shielding herself against his powerful control by disguising herself as a slutty pumpkin and carrying around her lucky amulet -- a five-year-old child with an awesome shoe collection.
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- Kim Kardashian
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