Perhaps he just got caught up in a moment of euphoria, but Jay-Z's "Glory"-- that musical tribute to his newborn daughter Blue Ivy-- contains one of the most cumbersome lines in songwriting history. As in it just doesn't flow, yo.
After rapping the masterpiece of a line, "Baby, I paint the sky blue, my greatest creation was you," Jay-Z falters with this clunker: "You're my child with the child from Destiny's Child."
Of course, we'll give the new dad some slack, but how to explain some of these other really dumb song lyrics?
"You walked into the party like you were walking onto a yacht/ Your hat strategically dipped below one eye/Your scarf it was apricot/You had one eye in the mirror as you watched yourself gavotte" --Carly Simon, "You're So Vain" (1972)
Oh, Carly Simon! It's bad enough that you've been teasing us with the meaning behind this song for 40 years (is it about Warren Beatty or what?), but your desperate attempt to find a rhyme with "yacht" and "apricot" has landed you in the song lyric hall of shame. Gavotte? You might as well have said foxtrot.
"Tonight thank God it's them instead of you"- Band Aid, "Do They Know It's Christmas" (1984)
You'd think for a charity song about starving people in Ethiopia-- set at Christmas time, no less-- the writer(s) would have had a tad bit more good will towards men. Bono sang this ridiculous line, but you can blame the lyric on Bob Geldof and Midge Ure.
"So happy together...and how is the weather?" -The Turtles, "Happy Together"(1967)
In another blatantly desperate rhyming attempt, this nonsensical weather tie-in comes at the end of this sappy song , after lead singer Howard Kaylan has already given us his forecast: "When you're with me baby the skies'll be blue /For all my life."
"Blinded by the light/ revved up like a deuce/ another runner in the night" - Manfred Mann's Earth Band, "Blinded by the Light (1977)
Springsteen wrote it, Manfred Mann made it famous-- and we still can't get the lyrics right! The line above is one of the most misheard song lyrics of all time (many people think it's about feminine hygiene products!) and it also features this clunky line: "Some brimstone baritone anticyclone rolling stone preacher from the East."
"I don't like cities/ But I like New York/ Other places make me feel like a dork" - Madonna, "I Love New York" (2005)
Madonna's tenth studio album featured her ode to New York, but to rhyme it with the word "dork?" Really? Let's just be grateful she doesn't love Pennsylvania.
"You know I feel so dirty when they start talking cute/ I wanna tell her that I love her, but the point is probably moot."-
Rick Springfield, "Jessie's Girl" (1981)Rick Springfield was already severely lacking street cred (playing Dr. Noah Drake on the soap "General Hospital" will do that to a rock star). That said, couldn't he have come up with a better word than "moot?" Guess fans didn't care; the song won him a Grammy-- although these days if you want to see him in concert you may have to book a Rick Springfield and Friends cruise.
"Unskinny bop bop bop"-Poison, "Unskinny Bop" (1990 )
Any song with the word "bop" in it is decidedly uncool. But glam rock band Poison subjected us to an entire song full of "bops" before Bret Michaels wiped the makeup off of his face and starting starring in reality TV shows. But back to this masterpiece. What exactly is an "unskinny bop," anyway? Even the band doesn't seem to know. In an interview with Ink 19, guitarist C.C. DeVille said, "We still don't know what 'Unskinny Bop' means. When we were in the studio, I would write the music, and usually if Bret didn't write lyrics yet, I would try to think of something that would just fit phonetically…They were just working lyrics. And then when we played it for the producer… he goes, 'That's marvelous. I don't know what an 'Unskinny Bop' is, but whatever it is, it's perfect.'"
"What if God was one of us/Just a slob like one of us," "Nobody calling on the phone/Except for the pope maybe in Rome" - Joan Osborne, "One of Us" (1995)
This song pondered the question: What if God was just like you and me? Hence the slob reference, which we can take. But the line about the pope calling from Rome? As if even he would have God's direct cell number!
"Standing at my podium, I'm trying watch my sodium" - Kanye West featuring Young Jeezy, "Amazing" (2009)
The rap music world is riddled with a plethora of bad lyrics, but since we're trying to keep things G-rated here we'll stick with this inane dietary lesson from Kanye West and Young Jeezy. Grammy nomination material? Sure. But with filler lyrics about sodium levels, it could just as well be a theme song for the AHA.
Almost anything by Sting
Last year Blender named him the worst lyricist in rock, citing "lines that betray mountainous pomposity and cloying spirituality" (they didn't like his use of "ham-handed metaphors" either) -- and we don't beg to differ! With lyrics like "He starts to shake and cough, Just like the old man in that book by Nabokov," Sting has a song book full of doozies. But hey, at least he didn't ask you if you have a bustle in your hedgerow.
More From This Contributor:
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