Handicapping The Oscars Broadcast

Part 12:

Jon Stewart jokes that due to a technical glitch, the show will have to start over.

[ Stars Come Out For 'Hollywood Dominos' Charity Party - Watch the Video ]

Penelope Cruz presents Best Foreign Language Film.
Winner: "The Counterfeiters" (Austria).

Patrick Dempsey presents the final nominee for Best Original Song, "So Close" from "Enchanted."

[ Oscar Red Carpet 2008 - View the Gallery ]

Part 11:

Renee Zellweger presents the award for Achievement in Film Editing.
Winner: "The Bourne Ultimatum."

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Winner Christopher Rouse notes that his dad once won an Oscar.

Nicole Kidman, with baby bump, presents special lifetime Oscar to 98-year-old-and-still-working art director/production designer Robert Boyle. Boyle says the standing ovation is "the good part of getting old. I don't recommend the other."

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Part 10:

Jon Stewart and the girl singer from "August Rush" are playing Nintendo Wii video tennis when we come back from break.

[ Oscar Red Carpet 2008 - View the Gallery ]

Colin Farrell slips coming out onstage; runs back and skids up to the podium. Presents "Falling Slowly," the Best Original Song nominee from the musical "Once."

Jack Nicholson (in regular glasses, not shades) presents the umpteenth montage, of past "Best Picture" winners.

Part 9:

Jon Stewart notes that there is a THIRD pregnant actress in the house - Nicole Kidman (not shown). Pretends to open an envelope - "the baby goes to… Angelina Jolie!" Jokes that Angie's not there cuz she couldn't get 17 babysitters.

Presenting together (intro'd as "Judi Dench and Halle Berry") are Seth Rogen and Jonah Hill. They argue over who looks more like Halle Berry. Achievement in Sound Editing.
Winner: "The Bourne Ultimatum."

"Halle" and "Dame Judi" also present the award for Best Sound Mixing.
Winner: "The Bourne Ultimatum."

So far, "Bourne" is tied with "No Country" for most wins tonight - 2.

Montage of past Best Actress winners (including this year's nominee Julie Christie). Presenting is last year's best actor winner, Forest Whitaker.
Winner: Marion Cotillard, "La Vie En Rose"

although Cate Blanchett's excited reaction is even more extreme!). Says it is true, "there is some angels in this city!" She's truly speechless.

Part 8:

The pregnant, befeathered Jessica Alba comes out to talk about being this year's hottie who was sacrificed earlier in the week to pass out the geek Oscars, the Scientific & Technical Awards. This is sort of a half-montage.

Jon Stewart jokes about all the pregnant ladies tonight, but points out "the night is still young" and that Jack Nicholson IS here. Presenting together, Josh Brolin and James McAvoy (I might need a moment here).

Brolin says his Nicholson impersonation is one of the worst, Jack shouts something out to him. They're presenting Best Adapted Screenplay.
Winner: "No Country for Old Men," Joel & Ethan Coen.

The extremely laconic brothers keep it short & simple with their thank you's.

Sid Ganis, AMPAS president, to present the must-be-mandatory montage about how Oscars are doled out. (Why do I find it hard to believe anyone has ever asked him, 'Why do you give out Oscars?') Stewart rightly mocks this montage. He jokes that he cannot get the next presenter to sign anything for your kids - Miley Cyrus.

Preternaturally poised Miley presents a performance of Best Original Song nominee, "That's How You Know," from "Enchanted," sung by Kristen Chenoweth.

Part 7:

Montage Number 7 brings us the past winners for Best Supporting Actress throughout the years.

Presenting is last year's best supporting actor winner Alan Arkin.
Winner: Tilda Swinton (everybody in America just lost their Oscar pool).

Tilda wishes the award "Happy birthday, man!" Says her U.S. agent Brian Swardstrom is the spitting image of Oscar (from the bald head "to the buttocks") and says she's giving him the statuette. Thanks George Clooney - while totally ribbing him for his turn in "Batman & Robin"! She's got a great sense of humor - which might explain her one-armed graduation robe gown. Apparently when she told Ryan Seacrest she'd never been to, or seen, the Oscars, she didn't realize that they are TELEVISED.

80th annivesary interview clip of Sidney Poitier about his past wins.

Part 6:

Per Lupita and Gene, here's what Javier said: "Momma this is for you, for your grandparents, for your parents, Rafael and Matilde. This is for the comics of Spain who have brought dignity and pride to our craft."

Jon intros Owen Wilson, presenting Best Live-Action Short Film (i.e., the-one-everyone-in-the-office-pool-is-just-guessing-at category).

Winner: "Le Mozart des Pickpockets."

The annual "use of animated character as presenter" - Jerry Seinfeld as the bee from "Bee Movie." A montage (numero seis) to "Bees In Films." Presenting Best Animated Short Film.

Winner: "Peter and the Wolf."

Part 5:

We are having the Javier Bardem thank you speech to his mom translated (thank you Lupita & Gene!). Jon Stewart jokes that he said he "was going to the library." Then he intros a joke montage (it's still a montage; that makes 3) to "binoculars and telescopes." Then another mini-montage to "Bad Dreams" (4).

Keri Russell intros the performance to "Raise It Up," the nominated song from "August Rush."

Part 4:

Jon Stewart jokes about what the audience does during commercial breaks ('sit around making catty remarks about what you're wearing'). Intros Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson. (Is he the first WWE champ to present on the Oscars? I think I remember seeing Hulk Hogan in a yellow feather boa up here before). He's actually kinda funny. Presenting Achievement in Visual Effect.

Winner: "The Golden Compass."

At first, the four winners just yell, "We just wanna say THANK YOU!" One's heart leaps. Unfortunately, it turns out that they want to say more.

Presenter/double-nominee/yummy-mummy Cate Blanchett sweeps out in violet to present Best Achievement in Art Direction.

Winner: "Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street."

Winner Dante Ferretti is a dead ringer for Mohamed Al-Fayed. Third acceptance speech to get played off. They are keeping this thing moving.

Jon Stewart name checks Cate Blanchett's versatility: jokes that she played the pit bull in "No Country for Old Men," and that she's actually playing him right now. Presents a montage (2nd of the night) of former Best Supporting Actor winners. (So, basically, they're cutting speeches short in favor of clip-reels)

Presenting the Best Supporting Actor award is Jennifer Hudson (in Grecian white drapery, she's the Most Improved Fashion From Last Year winner). J-Hud's nervous-er than Katharine Heigl, but it's a little more understandable.

Winner: Javier Bardem.

Part 3:

A visibly nervous Katherine Heigl presenting for Best Achievement in Makeup. Winner: "La Vie En Rose." (as winners approach stage, they pass George Clooney's empty seat - more white wine, perhaps?) The makeup team follows Brad Bird [as the second nominee to get played off by music].

Jon Stewart intros first Best Song nominee performance from "Enchanted" - "Happy Working Song." Jokes like he's going to sing it himself, then throws to Amy Adams, singing into a Time-Life operator headset mic. This is painfully reminiscent of Rob Lowe's duet with Snow White.

80th anniversary clip of Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones reminiscing about their respective Oscar wins (for "Wall Street" and "Chicago").

Part 2:

80th anniversary interview clip - Barbra Streisand reminisces about tying for Best Actress in 1969 for "Funny Girl."

16 minutes in, George Clooney (slightly tongue-tripped) presents the night's first homage to itself (which includes a lot of stills - apparently the Academy can't afford its own clips).

Jon Stewart makes a new media joke, in the form of an inadvertant iPhone commercial.

Anne Hathaway and Steve Carell (walking onstage to the theme from "Get Smart") presenting Best Animated Feature Film. Winner: "Ratatouille." Brad Bird thanks his junior high school guidance counselor, for "giving me the perfect training" for the movie business (by being discouraging).

Part 1:

The opening 'montage' is… a UPS truck? Driving past classic scenes from Hollywood history. Driven by Arnold Schwarzenegger, the truck is full of statues.

Jon Stewart opens with a reference to the writers' strike, and refers to the show as "the make up sex." More strike jokes. Jokes about the darkness of most of the nominated movies - "thank God for teenage pregnancy". Makes a joke about Javier Bardem's "NCFOM" hair; Bardem laughs, behind him Tommy Lee Jones scowls.

(Diane Lane has the best seat in the house - over Jack Nicholson's shoulder; we'll be seeing plenty of her).

A few election jokes.

First award of the night: Jennifer Garner, fully recovered from her Gary Busey attack and without tripping this year, presents best costume design.

Winner: "Elizabeth: The Golden Age."