Hannah is so frequently obnoxious that it's hard to say whether "I Get Ideas" is her least likeable showing in the series to date -- but it's got to rank in the top three, at least. On the plus side, she's so selfish and bratty that it's funny, but on the minus side… she's so selfish and bratty!
The episode opens with George dumping Elijah, who's just admitted that he had sex with Marnie. Over Elijah's protestations that "it was like three pumps, like two and a half pumps and then I lost my boner," George rightly notes that Elijah is still "confused," pretending there's a chance he's bi, and George has gone through all that already himself and doesn't want to deal with it now.
But when Hannah wonders what prompted the split, Elijah doesn't want to hurt her feelings, so he smoothly changes the subject -- back to Hannah's favorite topic, herself, and specifically whether Adam posting an entire album of angry songs about her on YouTube means he's not "murder-y in a sexy way" but rather "murder-y in a murder-y way." (Sample lyric: "Standing outside / not making a sound / creeping around / you destroy my heart / thanks." Hee.) Elijah tries to sound comforting, but of course Hannah seizes on the idea, which bears no resemblance to anything Elijah actually says, that Elijah doesn't think Adam loves her enough to kill her.
We're surprised Marnie doesn't want to kill her. Marnie's having a rough enough go of it, getting turned down for a gallery job (the owner is played by Lena Dunham's mother, Laurie Simmons, and has a great bit snottily criticizing her assistant's tea-making skills, then asking her to fetch "Juice #5" from the fridge). Then Marnie comes home to find Shoshanna and Ray canoodling in the bed that takes up half Shoshanna's apartment. The ensuing discussion of Marnie's career prospects is hilarious, with Shoshanna talking about how Marnie should get a "pretty-person job" and Ray agreeing -- but clarifying that he's not at all attracted to Marnie, "because I know you."
Shoshanna has the hookup and gets Marnie a gig as a hostess at a club of some kind, and Hannah is insufferable about it, eating Cool Whip straight from the container and shrugging smugly that she may only make $40 a day at the coffee shop, but it's "clean money," and she's "made a choice" not to "cash in on my sexuality." Marnie somehow resists pointing out that 1) wearing hideous "shorteralls" out in public; and 2) responding to a valid critique from Sandy about an essay Hannah hounded him to read by lecturing him on the proportion of African-Americans among death-row inmates doesn't make her very attractive, inside or out. Hannah can tell she's thinking it: "You don't think I'm pretty enough for a pretty-person job." Marnie coolly says she doesn't think Hannah has the right "disposition" for a hostess gig.
We would love to get Marnie's take on Jessa, who's making Thomas-John pose for a (mediocre) painting; showing off the matching tiger tattoos they got on their honeymoon; naming the actual basket of actual puppies Thomas-John got for her things like "Garbage" and "Pucker"; and smugly explaining to Hannah that this is what it looks like when the hunt is over. Jessa still seems serene -- if extremely annoying -- in the relationship, but she was also barely suppressing the eye-rolls at her husband a few times, so we're standing by our prediction that it's over by the end of the next episode.
Jessa also puts a bug in Hannah's ear about Sandy not having read her essay yet, and that cringey convo (and the resulting break-up) leads us to this week's edition of…
Hannah's Klueless Korner
Most writers learn by the age of, oh, we don't know, 12 that if you give someone something you've written and they keep saying they're "too busy" to read it, either that someone doesn't care, or that someone read it and didn't like it. Not Hannah, who interrupts a make-out session to ask for Sandy's "notes" on the essay. Sandy tries to let her down gently, saying it "wasn't for me, exactly" and assuring her it's well-written. Hannah's not getting it, snorting that it's "'for' everyone." And as for the good writing: "I know. That's the stuff I don't need to hear." But when Sandy goes on to characterize the essay as "the nonsense that goes through your brain" when you're waiting in line, she turns on him for threatening her sense of self as a writer, pouncing on him for his Republican beliefs. Sandy tries to point out that issues like gun ownership and gay marriage are a little more complicated than she's making his out to be, but she announces that, given her liberal leanings (read: the fact that he dared to not love her work), they should probably just be friends.
He accuses her of fetishizing his blackness, since he's seen it with girlfriends before; she in turn accuses him of fetishizing her and thinking of all Caucasian-Americans as a "white blobby mass with stupid ideas." Donald Glover's series of "oh my God, do you hear yourself" faces is Emmy-worthy here as Hannah then insists that she never "saw [him] as" black: "I don't live in a world where there are divisions like that!" Finally he just tells Hannah to leave, but she still asks if he wants to have sex. Sandy, flatter than a pancake: "No." She is seriously so tone-deaf here, you guys. She quotes a Missy Elliott lyric at him and then denies it; he can't even believe what he's hearing. It's kind of awesome, in the sense that it inspires awe.
Later, Adam lets himself into Hannah's apartment with the key he still has from when they were together. He's definitely crossed a line, but you still side with him when, unable to deal with him maturely, she calls 911, then quickly hangs up. They get into a playful shoving match during which she tells him to go away about a hundred times but doesn't seem scared (despite alluding to "space rape"), but Adam gets the hint at last and makes to leave…until she calls him back. They gaze meaningfully at one another until the cops arrive thanks to the 911 call, sit patiently through traded accusations of stalking (Adam's involves Hannah wearing "kneesocks and a Jason mask," which we actually saw last season; point to Adam) and threats to get restraining orders, and finally take Adam into custody for unpaid parking and public-urination tickets. Hannah, guilty "only" of abusing emergency services and second-degree whining, is left on the stairs to wail, "I just wanted him to stop texting me!" She keeps asking where they're taking him, too -- because she "might come later" to try to bail him out. But… she definitely won't, because she doesn't make enough "clean money," and also she's an ass.
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"Girls" airs Sundays at 9 PM on HBO.