"I loooove that $175 mustard jar." - Getty ImagesAre you invited to Kim Kardashian's upcoming televised wedding to Kris Humphries? Neither are we! And for that, we are forever grateful because her gift registry is over-the-top expensive, a wallet-melting explosion of silver, onyx and crystal. Here are some of the priciest items selected by the future Mrs. Kardashian-Humphries:

*A $7,850 crystal vase by Baccarat

*A $6,500 black vase by Lalique

*A $1,695 Lalique perfume bottle

*18 Hermes cereal bowls, $155 a pop for a grand total of $2,790

*A $175 mustard jar

*24 five-piece silverware sets, each costing $1,600 to total $38,400

The site Celebitchy made a spreadsheet and totaled everything up to a whopping $176,478. That's far less expensive than the mega-rich reality star's $2 million engagement ring, which she likely helped pay for herself. Or maybe Ryan Seacrest paid for it. That's our far-fetched conspiracy theory.

Who better to voice the audio tape for Adam Mansbach's buzzy, f-bomb-dropping parody of children's bedtime books than Samuel L. Jackson? Check out this excerpt, and cover your kids' ears:

Also! You can download the six-minute catharsis for sleep-drived parents free of charge for a limited time only. Then take 90 minutes and watch "Snakes On a Plane," a classic in Jackson's mother@#%#ing film repertoire.

(Hat tip: Jezebel)

Watch Vogue editrix Anna Wintour give the best five-word speech at the geekiest awards ceremony on the planet:

Unexpected! We've always theorized that Wintour's chilly public presence masks a certain shyness in situations outside her comfort zone, so it was undeniably awesome when she made her cameo at Monday's Webby Awards to accept the "People's Voice Award For Fashion" on behalf of Vogue.com. It was also a bit random that Daniel Radcliffe was chosen to introduce Wintour, but he's Harry Potter and people care about him. So it makes sense, sort of.

Besides Wintour's mantra ("Sometimes Geeks Can Be Chic"), there were some other standout speeches. Martin Cooper, who was honored for INVENTING THE CELL PHONE, said: "Can you hear me ... now?" Dan Savage, who won a Webby for his "It Gets Better" anti-bullying campaign, quipped: "Tracy Morgan can suck my ... ."

An 85-year-old and a 25-year-old. - Samir Hussein/Getty ImagesIt looks like you're going to have to return that fruit bowl you picked up for Hugh Hefner and Crystal Harris over the weekend.

Just five days before the pair were set to walk down the aisle, the wedding has reportedly been called off.

Says TMZ: "Our sources -- who are all at the mansion -- say Crystal and Hef had a nasty argument this weekend on the phone. When the dust settled Crystal decided to 86 the nuptials and quickly moved her stuff out."

Perhaps Harris woke up and realized she was about to marry a man who was 60 years old when she was born?

So far, not a word from either Harris or Hefner on Twitter (both are active tweeters)... so perhaps wait until tomorrow morning to return the fruit bowl, just in case?

Update: Hefner has tweeted: "The wedding is off. Crystal has had a change of heart." Still no word from Harris. 

Mildred hangs out with her son (we've cropped him out, poor kid)... - MySpace...Maria remained clueless about his existence until last summer. - Getty ImagesIt's taken less than a month for Mildred Baena to sell her side of the story to a celebrity magazine. In her first-ever interview, the former maid and mistress of Arnold Schwarzenegger opens up to Hello! magazine about raising his love child, and Maria Shriver's surprising reaction to learning the truth.

Baena, who worked for the high-profile family for 20 years, was photographed for the magazine with 13-year-old son Joseph, the spitting image of Schwarzenegger.

"Last summer, I brought Joseph over to the house," Baena says in the interview (via People.com). "After that, people in the house started whispering about how much they looked like each other."

Shriver pushed for confirmation from Baena.

"Maria would ask if I needed to talk to her, and I kept saying no," she reveals. "Finally, she asked point blank. Maria asked me directly if Joseph was Arnold's son, and I just broke down. I dropped to my knees and I was crying, saying that yes he was and I was so sorry. She cried with me and

"Chelsea Lately" comic Ross Mathews was chatting with his friend Gwyneth Paltrow in November when she busted out some very "real talk."

"We were taping a Chelsea special," Mathews told People, "and she pointed at my tummy and said, 'What's going on here? I love you. Get it together.'"

Apparently a gesture from Gwyneth is all it takes for someone to get in gear, as Mathews signed on to become Jenny Craig's new spokesman in January. He has since lost about 40 pounds, dropping from a weight of 220 to about 180.

And, most importantly, Gwyneth approves.

"I saw her when she was promoting her cookbook recently," Mathews said. "She was so excited. She said, 'You look good!'"

Sisters of leisure Tamara and Petra Ecclestone, posing in Monte Carlo. - Gareth Cattermole/Getty ImagesWhat the what: an obscure 22-year-old heiress had dropped millions of family money to snap up Tori Spelling's former stomping grounds. Her name is Petra Ecclestone, and she's the socialite daughter of British billionaire and car-racing mogul Bernie Ecclestone; she's the blonde on the right of this photo, and her sister Tamara is the Megan Fox lookalike on the left. If it were 2005 (aka The Era Of the Celebutante), then maybe they'd be more famous. But now, meh.

Anyway, what is somewhat interesting is the notion of why such a young woman would choose to live in a sprawling, famously kitschy Los Angeles manor instead of a hip hideaway somewhere near people her own age. But wait, nevermind! She's a European heiress. According to E! Online, Ecclestone paid about $150 million for the former estate of Aaron and Candy Spelling, who's now living in a downsized apartment worth $35 million in Century City, Calif.

Ecclestone will not wander the hallowed halls of a big old house alone, like

Aniston and Theroux at a MTV Movie Awards after party on June 5. - Jordan Strauss/WireImageIn an interesting little reversal, Jennifer Aniston -- who, as anyone could tell you, has been portrayed in the tabloids as the poor sadsack who stood by idly while all-powerful Angelina Jolie swooped in and "stole" her husband, Brad Pitt -- is now being painted as the homewrecker.

Page Six ran a long item this morning sympathetic to costume designer Heidi Bivens, the ex-girlfriend of current Aniston beau Justin Theroux.

Bivens and Theorux had dated for 14 years and lived together... until this past weekend, when Bivens moved out of their home.

Bivens is reportedly "devastated" about the demise of her relationship, allegedly at the hands of Aniston, who met Theroux when they were filming "Wanderlust" together in October. (Pitt and Jolie met on a movie set, as well, of course.)

According to a Page Six source, Theroux lied about the nature of his relationship with Aniston at first.

"Heidi is heartbroken," the source said. "She was completely blindsided. She and Justin had been together